I have been a mother for 35 years. My daughters are 35, 33, 29, and 26. At the moment, they consider me a good mother, who needs to fight her judgmental nature, specifically about the right balance between mothering and careers. I am reluctant to criticize Palin's mothering, because I am not sure what good mothering means. When I had one child, I was much surer than I am now. Who decides whether you are a good mother? All of the following will demand a vote. Of course, I am not suggesting they should be allowed a vote.
- You and your spouse
- Your mother, grandmother, siblings, cousins, friends, or employers
- Your babies, toddlers, preschoolers, teenagers, adult children
- Your children's teachers, coaches, guidance counselors
- Your children's psychiatrists and therapists
- College admissions staffs
- Your children's lovers, partners, spouses
- Your church, the mass media, the USA, most other mothers
- Whether and how long you breastfed your children
- How long you waited before returning to work
- How often you screamed at your kids, how often you lowered their self-esteem, deservedly or not
- Whether you ever spanked them
- How many trips to the emergency room were necessary
- How many bones they broke
- How many times they got sick
- How clean and orderly you kept your house
- The nutritiousness of your meals
- The amount of TV they watched
- Their hours on the computer
- How many books they read, how many you read to them
- How many times you took them to the library
- How many musical instruments they played
- How many sports they excelled in
- When they first had sex
- How many sex partners they had, whether they got STDs
- Whether you were rich enough to send them to good schools
- What grades they got, what colleges they attended
- Whether they became alcoholics, drug addicts, child abusers, criminals
- Whether they had an abortion
- Whether they chose public service careers
- What candidates they supported
- Whether they got married, became gay, had children of their own
- What careers they pursued, how much money they made
- How often they visit, call, email, share their lives with you?
- Whether they accept your values and your faith
- Whether they honor their grandparents, aunts, and uncles
- Whether they attend family reunions
- Whether they observe birthdays and anniversaries
- Whether they can be relied upon during a family crisis
My mom was a good mother to her 6 children, absolutely there for us all our lives. But she and I had a conflicted relationship because we were so different temperamentally. Watching my mother care for her mother as she aged, I marveled how alike they were. How difficult it must have been to have a daughter who confronted and argued. Ultimately we did well with each other. I will always be grateful that she lived with me the last four years of her life, that she died at home.
Being a good mother, like being a good person, is something you need to work on every day of your life. I am finding the transition to grandmotherhood almost as perplexing. I desperately miss my mother, who knew me and my daughters equally well and could interpret for all of us. Many of us are probably better grandmothers than we were mothers.